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Hospital packing

Hospital packing

Packing knowing that you’re going into isolation for radiation is difficult! Here goes….
camera
yoga training notes
yoga book
toiletries
DVDs
Box sets
yoga mat
incense
a few clothes
teabags
notebook and pen

“Be yourself; everyone is already taken” ~Oscar Wilde

Deepak chopra tweeted today in response to the question “What is the best advice you have ever been given”.

He explained that true success comes from self power, the ability to love and have compassion. True self esteem. Not through networks or colleagues. Neither beneath or superior to others. 

Life Cycle

In two days time I go in for the radiation treatment. I’ve not been thinking about it too much, just grateful that I felt better, could walk, practice yoga, cook etc. The docs always said that as soon as I felt better after op I would be going back in for treatment!

Today I went into the Royal Marsden to have injections in preparation. The cycle of life goes on. A new lady in my bed, with no hair, looking real poorly and Mary, Mary had died. Sadness and relief. 

Ayurveda

Ayurveda is a comprehensive system of holistic health care that originated in India over 5000 years ago. The word translates to “knowledge of life”. It’s a system of healing that examines physical constitution, emotional nature, and spiritual outlook in the context of the universe. According to the philosophy, universal life force manifests as three different energies, or doshas, known as vata, pitta, and kapha. Ayurveda, like many alternative therapies is concerned with prevention of health issues rather than cure. Diet plays a huge role in Ayurveda.

I came across Ayurveda 10 years ago whilst in Nepal and have always had an interest. My yoga class very amazingly just paid for me to have an Ayurveda consultation after my cancer diagnosis.

Interesting things came up. Not the dosha that I thought I was, concept of past traumas some how being linked to health issues, daily mantras and new beginnings.

I know that for many people concepts such as this is hard to comprehend but it totally resonates with me.

 

Spirituality

Spirituality and religion fascinates me. It always has but perhaps even more now. I just came back from Burma, the land of Buddha, everywhere you look beautiful stupas.Buddhism to me makes sense. It is an incredible way of life. The law of Karma and cause and effect. Meditation, respect to others and taking ultimate responsibility for our actions.

I’ve been practicing yoga for 8 years and I’m  on a years teacher training course. I’m going deeper into the practice, learning the philosophy and theory behind the age old practice. Yoga is a holistic healing practice for optimum physical, spiritual and mental health. I’m sure things happen for a reason at the right time. My training course has helped me get through the last few months quite like nothing else.

My beautiful sis who painfully lives on the other side of the world has been sending me lots of hippy, self help/spiritual books. After much thinking I’m sure that we are all on the same spiritual journey. The great religions I think fundamentally are saying the same thing. We all just choose our particular path.

The Blessing

Out of all of this comes a new light. It’s like I have been given a clean slate.

No one knows why we get cancer. Of course lung is linked with smoking and colon with diet but the million dollar question as yet is unanswered. I’m a big believer that stress and worry can manifest in many ways – not least cancer.

I see things differently now. Anyone that knows me well knows that I am a worrier, deep thinker often plagued by self doubt. No more worry. Live life to the full and think good thoughts.

Having cancer makes you realise what’s important. I am lucky, this is the “best ” type of cancer to have with a great success rate. Old friends come out of the woodwork.

So grateful for my friends, family and boyfriend. LOVE

I have no idea where my life is going, I haven’t been able to work. The reality of being a freelancer hits hard with health issues but somehow I know it will be OK. Maybe life is taking a different turn and that’s cool too.

When you hit rock bottom, you come up better and stronger.

Memories

A rare condition, 10 cases since records began.

The pain, the morphine, the tube in my back going into my lung, the sickness from the morphine.

Loved ones wash my body and hair. I’m weak and loosing weight.

The nurses. I love the nurses, they’re kind patient and compassionate.

Mary next to me nearly dies everyday. The priest comes but she always seems to pull through.

The visitors I don’t remember. The wheelchair trips to get fresh air.

The pain.

The hospital smell, the needles, the blood and the pills. My legs don’t fit on the bed.

The pain.

Tears

Another wheelchair, another scan. I said a little prayer. The plastic bottle of fluid attached to the wheelchair.

The pain, so bad, pain I have never felt before.

All shame, pride and embarrassment gone. Tears shed but not by me.

More tears, more pain.

“It hasn’t spread ” My favorite doc told me. I can handle anything now. I know I can.

Rock Bottom

The words that feel like you have been shot through the heart.

“We have to be prepared that the cancer has spread” My Mum and boyfriend either side of my bed. At least I can breathe.

Night draws in. We have to wait until the am for a scan. So strange not knowing if your body is riddled with disease. After 8 days in hospital I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Promises made to myself that night. A text that clarified real love.